Posted by: krusty505 | November 5, 2011

E-harmony, Jail Style

Disclaimer: The following post contains explicit language and graphic images. Seriously, if you’re going to be offended by that, don’t read it. If you’re intrigued, you know what to do…

You know, it’s not always singing whales and half broke horses and visions of inspiration out at the jail. Sometimes it’s visions of a more hilarious nature, but in a slightly disturbing way. For instance, last year one of my students received a “love” letter from one of his girlfriends. He was so excited, he rushed into class and threw it down on my desk. “Read that, Pauls!” My initial impression was that the penmanship was straight out of mid-school (yet this woman was apparently in her 30’s) replete with all the swirly and curly loops you can imagine, but the content was downright pornographic, so much so that I can’t even quote it. Suffice to say there was bondage, bizarre positions, extremely naughty language and images I prefer not to recreate. Yes, it was that bad. For me the best part was that this student was perfectly willing to share the letter with me, his ‘teacher.’

He asked me what I thought, and my response was that she was very skilled at creating imagery, but that her mechanics needed work, so I corrected them and handed it back to him. What else could I do? Of course, he thought this was equally hilarious, and claimed he was going to send it back to her with the corrections as a joke. Go figure.

Yesterday, one of my colleagues told me that a student left his work folder in her class. She fished through it, hoping to find a name somewhere, but instead she found yet another infamous love letter. It’s unclear whether this letter came from the outs or was written by someone inside the jail and was simply a kite that floated its way back to this guy. Anyway, when she (the teacher) picked it up, this line jumped out at her, “I can cook my ass off from dope to enchiladas.” Put that on your profile! Or better yet, include it in your next rap song.

Another thing that just slays me about the guys is that they are completely open about their various bodily functions. Some euphemisms for going #2: “I gotta drop a deuce.” “I need to break one off” (as if their sphincters are some wacked out form of the guillotine?”); if we are at command call and someone isn’t out of his cell and lined up, I ask, “Where’s so-and-so?” His celly invariably will yell out in front of 90+ guys, “He’s takin’ a shit!” No qualms about that one. This, by the way, is a daily occurrence during command call.

I won’t disgust you with a complete low-down of their lovely sexual quotes, but they are utterly forthcoming about that topic as well! This one, however, is too good to pass up. The other day I was in the sally port with a bunch of guys. One of them said, “Man, some of you guys need to take a shower!” One of the other guys told him to mind his own business. The first guy responded, “I’ll throw you in the fucking shower!”

“That’s gay.”

“It’s not gay if your bodies don’t touch!” I have to admit I’m intrigued and utterly amused by the concept that it’s not gay sex if there’s no intimacy; it’s just sex. Honestly, it sounds gratuitous, but the unabashed openness of this particular population is like a no holds barred breath of not-so-fresh air.

Just my random thoughts on a Friday.



  1. OK, high school and prison… not so different!!!
    Great entry, Chris! You remind me of an anthropologist in a foreign land. Local participant observation!
    Hope you’re well….

    • Good point, Robanne! Not so different at all.

  2. He IS like an anthropologist! Good one babe.
    I liked it.

  3. God I almost missed this one! What were you supposed to do with that love letter?! Your reaction was good.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: